I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
