i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
