There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
