I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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