Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
