I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she told me i tasted like america
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
