what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
