I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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