if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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