i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
