I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
