I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Terrible idea I love it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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