ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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