i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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