I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
