The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
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Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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