it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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