Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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