I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
