I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
