bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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