Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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