I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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