How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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