Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
