My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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