Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
