gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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