we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
