party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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