Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
