i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
