yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
