Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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