I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
