I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
