he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
