Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
