Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
