There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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