That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
