Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
