i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
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God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just had sex on a roof
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home