I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
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I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.