there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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