Texts From Last Night

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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)

  (512): View more from Texas

  Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.

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  (504): if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever) (512): Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them. http://tfl.nu/9n19
  Replies (3) Good night (1139) Bad night (544)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!

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  (248): I cant believe we actually had a nipple party! http://tfl.nu/pec6
  Replies (5) Good night (2105) Bad night (526)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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  (314): I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style http://tfl.nu/rcp4
  Replies (104) Good night (9301) Bad night (760)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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  (706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me. http://tfl.nu/kxxf
  Replies (26) Good night (6733) Bad night (1229)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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  (702): As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation? http://tfl.nu/6nb1
  Replies (16) Good night (7169) Bad night (1281)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.

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  (610): Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory. http://tfl.nu/8tn6
  Replies (3) Good night (1056) Bad night (1856)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.

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  (623): He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out. http://tfl.nu/ixyd
  Replies (14) Good night (1046) Bad night (2140)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

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  (724): Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me. http://tfl.nu/rflf
  Replies (10) Good night (3713) Bad night (1169)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.

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  (618): He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you." (224): Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out. http://tfl.nu/vy5b
  Replies (8) Good night (1725) Bad night (829)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.

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  (515): i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out. http://tfl.nu/7edz
  Replies (3) Good night (626) Bad night (1164)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!

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  (604): Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon! http://tfl.nu/zzxk
  Replies (7) Good night (1303) Bad night (564)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.

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  (603): It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night. http://tfl.nu/ygzt
  Replies (1) Good night (952) Bad night (374)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing

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  (417): After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing http://tfl.nu/he4t
  Replies (11) Good night (1163) Bad night (447)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.

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  (314): My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done. http://tfl.nu/u7ub
  Replies (1) Good night (872) Bad night (357)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.

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  (403): I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great. http://tfl.nu/f5oy
  Replies (3) Good night (841) Bad night (352)

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