I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
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I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
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The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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