my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
