When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
two words...techno handjob
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize