Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
