you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
