He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
