1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
