After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
