I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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