My room smells like vodka and shame
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
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On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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