Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
