I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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