I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
