I hate all girls vehemently.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
please come you make the beer taste better
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
